If you have visited the about me page on this website, you might already know that I grew up in the Deep South and kept my nonbinary and pansexual identity a secret. This journal entry will delve deeper into that period of my life and the challenges I faced.
As a child, I enjoyed both activities typically associated with boys and those considered girly. I played with GI Joe’s and matchbox cars as well as Barbie dolls. As I grew older, I found myself liking what were seen as girly things but was afraid to share this with anyone. During my adolescence and teenage years, I realized I was attracted to people regardless of gender.
Seeing kids at school who came out as gay face ridicule and violence made me keep my feelings hidden. I didn’t share my feelings with friends, family, or teachers because I didn’t feel safe. For many years, I kept this issue private. When I finally chose to reveal it, I started by telling someone I was close to. Their actions, not their words, ended our relationship and severely affected my mental health.
Eventually, I came out to my family and friends. Although I wish I had done so earlier, I can only move forward from the decisions I made in the past. I no longer blame my past self for being afraid and hiding who I was. I may not have known the terms nonbinary or pansexual during my youth, but that is who I was then and who I am now.
Hiding my identity became increasingly burdensome as I watched my peers live seemingly carefree lives. The isolation affected my mental health, leading to suicidal thoughts in my teenage years. I turned to substances to escape the pain and confusion, resulting in addiction.
My struggles with relationships over the years were deeply intertwined with my identity crisis and the resulting low self-esteem. I often attracted partners who were verbally, psychologically, or even physically abusive; I was sexually assaulted and gaslit about it in a long-term relationship for over a year. Because I felt undeserving of love and acceptance, I missed glaring red flags and settled for relationships that were far from healthy.
One of the most profound impacts was my tendency to stay in toxic relationships longer than I should have. I believed that any love was better than none and that my identity would inevitably lead to rejection if I were to be my true self. This fear made me tolerate emotional abuse, manipulation, and neglect, thinking that such treatment was the best I could hope for.
Moreover, my low self-esteem led me to believe that I needed to mold myself to fit my partners’ expectations and desires. I suppressed my true nature and opinions, becoming a chameleon in relationships, hoping to gain validation through conformity. This constant self-editing, codependency, and fear of being discovered took a significant toll on my mental health, perpetuating a cycle of self-doubt and anxiety.
As I navigated the dating world, my internalized fear and low self-worth made it difficult to set boundaries or assert my needs. I often ignored my instincts and allowed red flags to go unchecked, or even blindly ignored, convincing myself that my partners’ often harmful behaviors were my fault. My journey towards self-acceptance and eventual recovery involved not only embracing my identity but also learning to value myself enough to demand respect and genuine love from others. It took time, but I eventually understood that true love should never come at the cost of one’s authenticity or well-being. This is something that I continue to work on and remind myself of every day.
It took many years to find the courage to accept my identity. The journey has been difficult and filled with setbacks, but each step towards authenticity has led to healing. By sharing my story, I hope to highlight some of the challenges faced by those who feel they must hide their true selves. My recovery and acceptance journey are closely linked, and I now share it openly.
I am Lily Lilac, and I embrace who I am.
With gratitude,
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