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Finding My Path

Recovery is in no way a linear process. It is a path filled with twists and turns, moments of doubt, and flashes of hope. I started using substances to cope with various challenges in my life; I would often say, “the math isn’t mathing’ and I drank to stop the noise in my head. But over time, this addiction took control and led me down a dark path.

I’ve fallen blackout drunk at a bar and woken up in the emergency room with stitches in my head only to be served by that very same bar the next evening. That didn’t stop me. I’ve nearly died multiple times from overdosing and in September 2022 my body formed bilateral pulmonary emboli (blood clots in each of my lungs) and a deep vein thrombosis (blood clot) in my right leg behind the knee, and that didn’t stop me either. I became distant in a marriage that ended with my partner having an affair and leaving me in 2020 and looking at it now, I can see the part my addiction played in all of that.

Admitting I needed help was the first step toward reclaiming my life. So drunk as hell on October 18, 2024, I called a treatment center and finally let go. My clean date (Sober date for you AA’s) is October 19, 2024, and I won’t say it’s been an easy journey but so far, but it has been a powerful one. I’m not entirely sure what made me finally ask for the help I needed but I’m grateful each day I did.

Narcotics Anonymous: A Beacon of Hope

After spending 90 days in treatment, I found solace and support in Narcotics Anonymous. Through the program, I have been able to connect with others who understand the trials of addiction and the strength needed for recovery. This Twelve Steps program is helping provide a structured and compassionate guide for my healing process.

Chronicling My Journey

This website is a testament to my journey. Here, I will share my personal experiences, the hurdles I have faced, and the milestones I have achieved, and a few anecdotes along the way. My hope is that by sharing these stories, I can inspire others who may be going through similar struggles, or at the very least help myself by writing some of this shit down.

Step Work and Growth

Step work in Narcotics Anonymous has become a crucial part of my recovery. I will try to document my progress through these steps, reflecting on how they impact my life and I will be sharing the insights I gain along the way as well as the struggles and overthinking I have already done and will undoubtedly continue to do.

Growing Up in Secrecy

Growing up in the deep south during the 1980s, I faced an environment that was less than welcoming to those who did not fit into the traditional binary gender norms. The fear of coming out as non-binary was a constant shadow over my childhood and adolescence. Even though I didn’t really know what non-binary was as a child, what I did know is sometimes I didn’t always feel like a boy, or a girl. Somedays I wanted to wear pink and play with a Barbie doll and other days I wanted to wear black or purple and ride my bike in the woods. In a place where deviation from the norm was met with hostility and misunderstanding, I learned to keep my true self hidden. Alongside this, I realized at a young age that I was pansexual, again even before I knew what that term existed let alone meant. Sometimes I liked boys, sometimes I liked girls, and this fluidity added another layer to the secret I had to protect. This secrecy became a part of my daily life, a necessary shield to protect myself from potential ridicule, rejection, or worse.

The weight of these hidden identities grew heavier as I grew older. I watched my peers live lives that seemed so effortless and carefree, while I was burdened with secrets that I dared not share. The isolation and loneliness that came from not being able to express my true self took its toll on my mental health. As a result, at a yo8ng age I contemplated suicide often well into my teenage years and twenties where I turned to substances as an escape, a way to numb the pain and quiet the internal turmoil. Drugs provided a temporary refuge from the fear and confusion that plagued me, but they also led me down a path of addiction.

It took many years and countless struggles before I found the courage to confront my identity and begin the journey towards self-acceptance. The process has been arduous and filled with setbacks, but each step towards living authentically has been a step towards healing. By sharing this aspect of my story, I hope to shed light on the challenges faced by those who grow up feeling like they must hide who they are. My journey through addiction and into recovery is intrinsically tied to my journey of self-discovery and acceptance, and it is one that I am proud to share openly now.

Join Me

Thank you for visiting my page and taking the time to learn about my story. I invite you to join me on this journey, whether you are someone in recovery, a supporter, or simply curious about the process. Together, we can find strength, hope, and resilience.

With gratitude,